(I wrote this years ago, but I’ve only ever shared it privately with family. Today is the 26th anniversary of my cousin’s death, so I wanted to give it some editing and revising and finally make it public.)

Justin was an artist
My cousin Justin was an artist
While I learned to read, he learned to draw
Spaceships and dragons and geometric designs

Justin was an artist
He saw things the rest of us didn’t
The art came in through his eyes
Prismacolor visions flowing onto paper

Justin was an artist
And sometimes he had help
A little chemical help to make the art appear
We didn’t talk about it much
I just knew that I was not an artist
So how could I understand?

Justin was an artist
But he embraced me
Took me along for photography assignments
I took pictures of him posing by a country fence
Or in the emptiness of the Loop at 4 AM on a Sunday
And for a while he made me feel like an artist

But Justin was the artist
And at art school he needed to see it more and more
He needed a little chemical help more and more
And somehow, somewhere, a new gateway opened up
Art came in through his eyes
But fear came in through his mind

Justin was a paranoid schizophrenic
He saw things the rest of us didn’t
Conspiracies and manipulations and social designs
We didn’t talk about it much
He just knew that everyone was against him
So how could I understand?

Justin was a paranoid schizophrenic
And now he needed help
A little chemical help to drive away the fear
But it also took away the art
Kept it just out of reach
The fear and art were joined
The meds sent away the fear, and the art went with it
He wanted the art, so the fear had to stay

Justin was an artist
In the war of fear and art, he lost to both
He set aside the help
Not even a little chemical help
He stepped into the night to find the art that came in through his eyes
The driver didn’t see him
We’ll never know what Justin saw

Justin was an artist
We see him in his paintings, his drawings, his photographs
But his sister shows one picture of him in particular
Standing in a field, by a country fence
A picture I once took
So that I could feel like an artist too

Justin was an artist
But now Justin is art